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music joke Pops

The Low Ranger
Okay, it's Zorro .. work with me, people!

We specialize in concert band music jokes. You'll find some classics for band, transcriptions for band, some covers, and even the world premiere of several new compositions! Scroll through them all, or click to jump to the joke category of your choice:

Woodwind Jokes:
Flute/picc   Clarinet   Double reed   Saxophone  
Brass Jokes:
Trumpet   Trombone   French horn   Euph/Tuba/Bass  
Sticks, etc:
Percussion   Conductor   Etc.

If you love these, visit our links page to find other music joke pages on the Internet. Know a good one? Suggest a joke

Flute/Picc jokes

Which is better, a wooden piccolo, or a silver one?
A wooden one — it burns better.

French-model Flute
French-model flute

What's the difference between a dog whistle and a piccolo?
- the number of species you can annoy
- the value for the money
- one is played by men to attract dogs

How do you get a pleasing sound on a piccolo?
Fill it with peanut butter.

Did you hear about the p-coli infestation in the band?
Nearly every flute player doubles on p-colo.

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she'll never stop twisting it in and out to get it just right.

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she'll have to save up for an outrageously expensive silver bulb first.

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. The lead player to get up to do it, and the rest to try to take her chair.

How do you get two flute players to play in tune?
Shoot one.

How are blonde flutists like the key of F# major?
Not a lot of naturals.

How do you put a sparkle in a flutist's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How do certain conductors choose a principal flute player?
Well, it helps if she has big breaths.

What do you give a woodwind player for Xmas?
Flute cake.

How can you be sure there are flute players on a 747?
After landing, the engines stop but the whining continues.

What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G, who really cares?

A long time ago in areas of Spain, southern France, and Italy, wood flutes were boiled in oil to shrink them into piccolos. The process was known as the Mediterranean flute fry. (General BBW)

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Clarinet jokes

Some Bozo with a
baroque'n clarinet
Bozo with clarinet

What's the difference between 1st and 2nd clarinet?
A semi-tone.
And the difference between the 1st and 3rd?
A minute and a half.

What's the difference between a mouse and a clarinet?
You can't hear a mouse squeak over a band.

Why are there so many clarinets in a concert band?
It increases the odds that one will play the right note.

What's the purpose of a bell on a bass clarinet?
Storage for the ashes from the rest of the instrument.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one.

What do you call an alto clarinetist with half a brain?
What do you get when you remove a half of an alto clarinetist's brain?
A gifted bass clarinetist.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns their own alto clarinet.

Why do clarinet players leave their instrument cases on the dashboard?
So they can use handicapped parking.

Did you hear about the 3rd clarinetist who claimed he could play 32nd notes?
To prove it, he played just one.

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Double reed jokes

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You remove your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

Woody-wind player

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

What do you call a deaf oboe player?

What's the best use for an oboe?
Kindling for a bassoon fire.

What do you do with a bad oboe reed?
Toss it to the percussion section. They always need new chew toys.

Condcutor: "Doctor! What do I do? The oboe player is choking on a reed!"
Doctor: "Have you tried a muted trumpet?"

How many oboe players does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But if he's not there, a flute or alto sax will do it.

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Saxophone jokes

Why don't sax players stay married?
Blaming it on the reed doesn't work.

Saloony Tunes
Saloon Sax

Why do alto players play so many wrong notes?
They ignore the key signature — take it as a suggestion.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How do you know that there's an alto player at the door?
The knock speeds up.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a sax player?
One cuts grass, one smokes it.

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
You can tune a lawnmower. And the neighbours want it back when you're done.

What's the difference between Kenny G and Ravel's Bolero?
What's the difference between Kenny G and Ravel's Bolero?
What's the difference between Kenny G and Ravel's Bolero?
What's the difference between Kenny G and Ravel's Bolero?
What's the difference between Kenny G and Ravel's Bolero?

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Trumpet jokes

Captain Cornet
Captain Cornet

How are trumpet players like pirates?
They are both murder on the high Cs.

How are savings bonds different from trumpet players?
Eventually the bonds mature and make money.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Why do trumpet players have small brains?
To make room for their egos.

Why are cornets smaller than trumpets?
It's not that the cornets are smaller, it's that the players' heads are bigger.

If you are just a stone's throw away from the trumpet section, what should you do?
Throw stones.

How many sections, other than the trumpet section, does it take to change a light bulb?
Trumpets: "You mean there are other sections in the band?"

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
One to do it, and the others to say how much better they could have done it.

Why do trumpet players screech annoyingly on mezzo forte parts?
They think the "mf" means Maynard Ferguson.

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a trumpet player?
- Who can keep track?
- Flute-du-jour

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Trombone jokes

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a trombone player?
A tattoo.

Bone player's
cymbalic gesture
Bone player

What is a trombone, really?
A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.

How do you know that there's a trombonist at the door?
The knock drags.

How do you get a trombone player to leave your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.

What's the difference between a large pizza and a pro trombone player?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call a guy who knows how to play trombone but doesn't?
A gentleman.

Did you hear about the starving pro trombonist who broke into a music shop?
He made away with the lute.

What do you buy for a trombone player who's got everything?

How can you pick out a trombonist's kids at a playground?
They can't swing, and they complain about the slide.

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French horn jokes

Why is French horn the most divine of all instruments?
Air goes in, but God only knows what will come out.

How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Can French horns play footnotes?
No. For that, you need a shoe horn.

Why do French horn players choose that instrument?
- It's a nice, all-round horn
- They're twisted.

Why did the French horns get lost when they were asked to take it from bar one?
They said the bars weren't numbered.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

How do you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell, and lose all sense of taste.

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Euph/Tuba/Bass jokes

What should you do when you come across a drowning electric bass player?
Throw him his amp.

Euph entry
after 2nd bar
Actually, it's a "missed" entry!

How do you get an electric bass to turn down?
Put some sheet music in front of him.

What should you do if you run over a euphonium?
Back up.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2" unless you ask for full cut.

What do you get when you toss a tuba down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you toss a tuba at an officer in the army?
A flat major.

What's the range of a tuba?
About 20 yards if you've got a good arm.

Why was the bass player asked to leave the band?
He kept getting in treble.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break a window to get the drummer out.

What's the best way for you to contact a baritone player?

What do you call a professional euphonium player with a pager and a cell phone?
An optimist.

A tuba player walked by a bar ...
Hey, it could happen!

What did the bass player say when accused of messing around with the piccolo player?
"That's no piccolo, that's my fife."

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Percussion jokes

What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

Mallet Palette
Wig gig

How is a drummer like a philosopher?
He thinks about time as an abstract concept.

Why can't percussionists tell jokes?
No sense of timing.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

How do you know that the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

Really, though, why don't drummers drool from both sides of the mouth?
They are not musically inclined.

Dyslexic drummer after a joke:
"Ching! Ba-dum-dum."

Why are there short intermission breaks at concerts?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

How do you get a percussionist to leave your doorstep?
Tell him to beat it.

How are drum machines different from real drummers?
You only need to punch the rhythm into them once.

What do you call a drummer who breaks up with his girlfriend?

A quote from a percussionist: There are three kinds of drummers; those who can count, and those who can't.

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Conductor jokes

What do you do with a bad conductor?
Stand next to him in a lightning storm.
But he's really short ..
Ah, a semi-conductor.

Score Keeper
Score keeper

What is a conductor, really?
Someone who can follow many people at once.

At the end of a piece, what comes after the conductor's cut-off?
Trumpet solo.

Why do conductors hate morning gigs?
They have to wake up and face the music.

What's the difference between a bull and a conductor?
The bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the back.

What's the difference between a Ford dealer and a conductor?
The Ford dealer could find a decent Tempo.

What's the difference between a sports writer and a conductor?
The sports writer knows the score.

How do concert bands pay the conductor?
According to scale.

How do you stop a conductor from drowning?
Take your foot off of his head.

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Why does a composer feel like a different person after going for lunch?
He's Bach by at least by 1PM, and Offenbach before that.

Want to hear Watermusik in a washroom?
Push Handel. (Didn't work? Oh well — pull Bach)

Can you drink Watermusik?
Only with an orche-straw.

Why aren't there many Moms in the audience?
Pops concert.

How many sound check guys does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two ... one, two ...

How do you make a concert band loud?
Ask for mezzo piano.

How do you make a concert band quiet?
Ask for Bingo volunteers.

Overheard on an hotel elevator while on a band trip to NY:
" So, are you with the wedding group? "
" No, we're part of the band group. "
" Oh? Where have you been banned from? "

Early one day, a C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out, now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

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